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Emotional turmoil20:22 Feb 24 2007
Times Read: 844
I'm doing ok...going through the different emotions of divorce. Right now i guess i'm in the why me stage. I feel i was a good wife, loved him unconditionally and supported him both emotionally and financially. But for 2 years I had to asked to get hugged, kissed or loved and he tells me to leave...calling me a cheater and defective. My only question is .....when i did leave...why didn't he want me back? It hurts to realize that I gave my heart and soul to someone who didn't want me....doesn't want me...and simply threw me away like trash. Its hard not to be hurt by this realization.
People don't understand why i'm not angry. Sorry folks it takes me awhile to realize that I deserve to be angry, that I have a right to be angry...i figure give me a couple months and I will be.
Right now, I'm living with my aunt and uncle in NY and yes my dogs are with me. My aunt is a wonderful woman and right now is carrying the anger for me, so is my mom, that I should be feeling. Eventually I will feel it, I think. It hurts that he hasn't called, or tried to get me back. Then to hear stories that he had someone else...that he has already moved on. I wonder what is wrong with me. Didn't I give enough? Didn't I boost his confidence to try for jobs he was interested in and good at? Didn't I buy him a truck and go back to work, against medical advice, when he was unemployed for 8 months? Isn't that what a marriage is about???
I should be angry that he threw me away, with no looking back...
I should be angry that he accused me of cheating on him....
I should be angry that he made me beg, to get loved....
I should be angry at how I was treated....
I just don't have it in me yet.
I keep thinking about everything I did for him....between keeping the house, doing the bills, pulling him out of his bad credit situation, cleaning, cooking....everything a perfect little wife should do. (yes that is sarcasm) All i asked for was love..to be held when I hurt...to have my feelings matter...was that too much? Is that too much for any man to manage?
My lawyer has filed the divorce papers and is going after him for everything. Alimony, retirement, pension, life insurance and the truck I bought. If she has to, she said she will play the emotional abuse card. She says me having to ask for loving...and him saying maybe...is abuse. She says him telling me to "get the fuck out" 5 times over the past 2 years, knowing I had no money and no place to go, was emotional blackmail. She is angry on my behalf, which I guess is good. I am not a vindictive soul, I just want some money to pay my bills and survive. A $700 disability check is impossible to survive on...
That's all i'm asking for...is money to survive. Is that vindictive?
I don't know...I'm so tired...wish it was over.
UPDATE16:44 Feb 06 2007
Times Read: 863
Update:
I am living in a hotel with my two dogs. I will tell you its interesting fighting the two dogs for some part of the bed every night. It’s a lonely time. Time to make you look back at past regrets and reevaluate your life.
My parents came up and Tolietduc came down from Huntington to help me pack up the house. Some of the conversations that my parents had with my ex hubby to me, shows me more of his character.
He told my mother that this was my ballgame, I was the one that wanted out. Interesting because I seem to remember someone telling me to “get the fuck out” if I didn’t want to live by his rules. Sorry dear been there done that. First marriage was with a sadistic Master, trying to rule me. I ain’t going there again.
He told my father that I came back from Florida and immediately asked for a divorce. Yet you can see from my journal, Jan 4th, I told him I was going to leave as he told me too. I tried for a month to talk to him about my feelings and I was ignored. I actually tried for 2 years…but again ignored.
My father looked at my ex to be and simply told him, “You will never find someone that loves totally and completely like my daughter.” My ex’s answer….”I know.” My mother then asked him, “Then why didn’t you ask her to stay.” He didn’t answer.
Right now its too late. So many hurtful things said and did. Begin kicked out into the snow with nothing but my dogs and clothes and no place to go. Being called everything under the sun and then to find out he believes I cheating on him. *Shakes her head*
So, the plan is…2 months in NY with my aunt, house sitting for her. Then down to Alabama to live with a friend. Then…who knows. I have to find a place that I can live on my own but things are limited, especially for a disabled person with 2 dogs.
Divorce lawyer is going to serve him and she will take care of trying to get me some money out of the divorce. Hard to squeeze blood from a stone, but when he gets the house and the truck I bought for him and all I get is my maiden name back…sorry I deserve more.
Well that’s the update…internet is few and far between. Message me and I will get back to you eventually.
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